Monday, June 16, 2014

Like Finishing a Marathon

When I enrolled as a full-time college student back in October, I knew that it was going to turn my life upside down. Working full-time, and taking two classes each term (a term lasts for eight weeks) was going to require a huge amount of perseverance on my part, a lot of work, and a huge amount of organization. I felt pretty good about it though, being a type-A, first born with OCD-tendencies. Organization is something I have in droves.

What I wasn't prepared for, was how much time it was going to consume. How every waking minute of my day, that I wasn't at my job, was going to be consumed by school work. My body rebelled against sleep at some point over the last year, and I have been waking between 3am and 4am, which has been extraordinarily helpful in getting the school work completed and not feeling like I am losing my sanity, but at the same time, it has been exhausting. It also allowed me to spend Sunday afternoons with my husband. This was important as we are in the fledgling stages of "better", and I want to keep that moving forward.

This last term, however, has been an arse-kicker. Two courses with an extra-heavy work load, and a ton of end of the year commitments on the part of my daughter. I feel like I have been running a marathon trying to get it all done. My yard has been neglected, my house has been neglected, and I feel like I have barely seen my husband. We finished our last day with students on Friday, have a few workshop days this week, and then I am done working for the summer. I decided, with the convincing of my clear-headed husband, that there was no way I could work in the hot sun at the blueberry farm this summer, and then come home and do two classes worth of work.

I cannot wait to get my life back in order. To weed my gardens, clean my house, and maybe even do something fun, like knit or read a book. The end is in sight, I just have to cross that finish line.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The Least of These..

As we head into the most holy week of the church year, I am sharing this video with the few of you who still come here and read my blog. I sponsor two beautiful little girls through Compassion International, Mariah and Aylin. I just began sponsoring Aylin last month, a gift to her, in honor of my 40th birthday this year, but really, it's a gift to me. I get the gift her her smile looking out from the frame on my trunk. The gift of her letters over the next dozen years or more. The gift of knowing that her life is going to be made better, because of a simple thing that I can do. Sponsorship costs $38 per month, which works out to roughly $1.25 per day. Consider what you spend $38 a month on now, and then consider taking that money and using it to change a life.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

In Which we Find we are Half-way Through February

Thomas Carlyle said, "The illimitable, silent, never-resting thing called Time, rolling rushing on, swift, silent like an all-ebmracing ocean-tide, on which we and all the universe swim like exhalations, like apparitions which are, and then are not..." 

It would appear that I blinked, and suddenly we are almost mid-way through February. How is that possible? Today is the 104th calendar day of school (we've missed 4, and today is a snow day due to a storm rolling in), although we won't be celebrating the hundredth day until tomorrow, or possibly Monday. In only 72 school days, we will be saying goodbye to the kids for the summer. Corey's mid-winter break starts today and extends until Sunday. He isn't coming home, but it's just one more reminder that time is rushing by. 

My days are long, and busy. My body decided sometime back late last spring, that it was done with sleeping all night. I used to be able to get a solid 6 hours of sleep, and then 6 hours from whenever I fell asleep, I would be wide awake. Then summer rolled around, and my sleep got all crazy and I would wake at 2 or 3 am, and there was no rhyme or reason to it. Now, I am lucky if I can mange 5 hours. Mostly though, like some internal alarm is going off, I wake at 3am. I cannot remember the last time I heard my actual alarm clock, and would be shocked to hear it ring. Some days, I don't bother to set it. 

I get up, do a few chores, do college work for several hours, spend half an hour getting some exercise in, eat breakfast, get ready for work, and then it's off to school. After a long day there, I come home, do a few more chores, make some tea, and it's back to the books/computer. After dinner I put in another hour or two, and then I try to spend a few hours relaxing before bed. They key there is try. Right now, I spend that time watching the Olympics in the arms of my man. I can usually last about 20 minutes before I fall sound asleep. I think to myself sometimes that I will knit, or look at a few magazines, and it never works out. I reserve time on the weekends for that, and I generally let Sunday be a day of non-study/work. 

This cycle is my new normal and will be for the next few years, and we are working on making it work. Having a supportive spouse makes such a big difference, and I know that I wouldn't be able to do any of this without him. I have always been the one doing the supporting, and it's hard to let go of some of the things that need letting go of, and let someone else take charge and support you. I am learning, and in that process I am grateful that each and every day is a chance to start over new. 

Friday, January 10, 2014

Start as You Mean to Go On

There's an old British expression that says, "Start as you mean to go on." It a nutshell, it says that however you begin, is how you will continue on going so you might as well give it your best effort from the get-go. In regards to the new year starting, whatever habits you put into place now will stick with you for the rest of the year if you are committed to making them work.

Being in education, it's hard to envision January as the start of the year. School starts at the end of August and by the time January rolls around we are almost at the half-way mark. The best time for putting new habits into place if your calendar revolves around a school year is during those first weeks of school.

Still, there is something very rewarding about putting a fresh new calendar into the holder. All of those blank squares just filled with the promise of outings, appointments, hopes and dreams. All of the days that hold the potential to be filled with enrichment, or disappointment. The choice that needs to be made in January, is "How do I want this year to look?" I spent a few posts already talking about that, so I won't go there again.

We started out the new year with a family trip to the movies to see The Hobbit. It was supposed to be our last day of vacation, and I wanted us to do something fun. It was a great movie, and we had a grand time. We came home to a news report promising junky weather and icy roads and a flicker of hope sparked inside of me. Could we be so lucky as to have a snow day on Thursday? Sure enough, school was cancelled Thursday, and again Friday due to that same storm and frigid temperature. We gained two more days to spend together before Corey had to leave back to college. We played Doctor Who monopoly, watched some movies, and just enjoyed each others company. It may have been the laziest vacation ever, but it was restful, and relaxing and enjoyable. A nice way to end the year, and a better way to start the new one.

This week we are back to work, my college courses have started back up, and Corey left on Wednesday. I am trying to get into a more productive routine, but the weather and the work load is getting the best of me, so I am doing the best I can. There are some things that need attention, a few things that need to get back onto the schedule, and some things that need to get off of it. Work continues to be a crabby situation for at least two more weeks, but there's a light in the darkness of the winter. It's January, and so far, there are no signs of winter depression setting in. I don't know if it's the 1,000 IU's of Vitamin D3 I am taking on top of my daily multivitamin or what, but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. I am going to call this week an "adjustment week", and get back into my groove next week.

I mean to go on like a champion.

Monday, December 30, 2013

On Moving Forwards

We've reached that point in the year when it's customary to look back at the year we are leaving behind. To take stock of the days behind us and pass judgement on them as either a success, or a failure. To look at that list of goals or resolutions we penned back when the year was fresh, and determine if we have achieved what we set out for, or if we managed to fall short. 

It's easy to face the new year, when you are coming off a year with little to no turmoil. When you can count on only two hands the amount of heartache that has come into your life. When you can look at that list of goals and check off at least half and feel that even if you didn't quite achieve them all, you did pretty OK. 

Ann Voskamp said, " How in the world do you step hopeful into the next year, when you tripped messy through the last year? How do you stand brave with all the smiling rest and ring in the new year when the old year still feels a bit like a millstone around the neck? What if everyone else is making New Year's resolutions and you just want New You solutions? "

It's easy to sit in reflection of a year that has been less then ideal, and feel like you want a do-over. To wish that you could go back and change this or that, or to look at that list of goals and things you wanted to accomplish, and feel like a world class failure. To dwell on all the bad choices that you made that led to that list not getting checked off, or to want to start again with the same things you always focus on. To get stuck in a rut that will no likely, have you sitting in the same place at this time next year. 

Phillipians 3:13-14 reads: “But one thing I doforgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead…I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” 

For 2014, I'm moving forward. I'm letting go of the past hurt and disappointments. I am done dwelling on the why-nots and the why-can'ts and the how-comes. I am not going to spend any more mental energy thinking about where we have been, or where I have been, or what didn't get done or didn't work, and I am moving forward. Every time I fall, instead of getting caught in the trap of "here we are again", I am going to pick myself up, and start over again. Looking at how I can learn, and how it can help me to grow. 

Care to join me? 

Saturday, December 28, 2013

One Little Word: 2014

At the end of last year, I sat in my office staring out the window with tears running down my face and typed this post about how I was going to revisit my word from 2012 in 2013. After several miserable months of feeling like my world was falling apart, I planned to spend a lot of time focusing on putting myself back together. On finding myself and rediscovering who I was again. 

2013 wasn't exactly the year I had hoped for. The year started out rocky, my relationship was a mess for the better part of half the year, we had a horrible situation to deal with in my extended family, we lost our dog in late October, I lost a dear friend to cancer and my MIL was just released from the hospital the night before last. 

Through that all however, over these last 6 months I have begun to find myself again. I discovered that in order to survive the mess that my relationship was turning into, I had to stop focusing on what wasn't working, and what was broken, and start focusing on me. I had to start looking at my contributions to it and what I could be doing to make things better. It wasn't easy, and it's a recommitment that I have to make every single day and sometimes more than once a day, but it has made such a difference. Right now, we are in a much better place than we have been in a long time, moving forward and upward and I thank God every day for giving me the strength to stick it out. 

I discovered things about myself that I didn't feel positively about, and I have been working on changing them. Again, this hasn't been an easy process, and sometimes I slide backwards, but I apologize and move forward. I have spent a lot of time thinking about who I want to be, and how I want to be, and I"m still working on it. I will continue with this in 2014. 

Looking forward however, what I want from 2014 is for it to be a year of restoration. 

: noun- 1. the act or process of returning something to it's original condition by repairing it, cleaning it, etc. 2. the act of bringing back something that existed before 3. the act of returning something that was stolen or taken

I want to keep working on moving my marriage forward into what looks to be something better than it's ever been before. I have been working on changing me and in the process of not focusing on him, he has taken it upon himself to do better. To look at himself and see what needed doing. We are both doing our best and I am hoping that 2014 can be a year for our relationship to thrive. We haven't had a good relationship in a long, long time. 

I want to keep working on finding myself. I have started college, I am working on starting a plan for what I want to do with my future and through the process of rehabbing my knee so that I can start running again, I'm making my whole self stronger. 

So what I want from 2014, is restoration. I feel hopeful that I will be able to get to the end of next year, and have achieved this goal. 

Friday, December 27, 2013

A Letter to My Boy On His Birthday

Back when you were in elementary school, you hated that your birthday fell during Christmas vacation. You didn't think it was fair that everyone else got to celebrate their birthdays at school with their friends, and cupcakes or treats that their moms brought in, and your birthday was a day during vacation, which wasn't even the same as having it on a weekend. In response to this, I would remind you that your sister had a birthday during the summer, and she never got to celebrate her birthday at school either. You didn't care, and that didn't make it any better. I tried really hard over the years to make sure that your birthday was kept separate from Christmas, and we tried to plan for your family parties to be the weekend after Christmas was over. I hated when people gave you gifts for Christmas and said, "This is for your birthday and Christmas." I guess if I am grateful for one thing, it's that you weren't born ON Christmas Day. Can you imagine how awful that would've been? Take the few extra days, and relish in the fact that it's never going to be 102 degrees with 89% humidity on your birthday. She can't say the same thing about hers.

Now that you are in college I find myself enjoying the fact that your birthday is over Christmas break. If it were during the school year you would be away at school doing important learning, or whatever things you do at school that aren't learning. You would likely celebrate it with your friends in COSI, which I am sure you would find all sorts of pleasure in. If it were during the summer you would be off working at some important job that is going to be a stepping stone to the most amazing career that you will come by without too much effort. Likely that job will be on the other side of the country, which means that you'd be celebrating it without us. But because it is over Christmas break, you are here with us. For this year, and at least the next 3 years, you will be at home for your birthday. I get a few more years to celebrate with you, before you go off on your own. 

I promise that I won't be like Grammy and have you come back home for birthday dinners. If you would like to come home for dinner on your birthday, that is fine and I would be happy to have you here. That choice however, is entirely up to you. It is your special day and I will always honor your wishes to celebrate it how you'd like. 

For now though, I am going to try not to think about how this is your last year as a teenager. How next year, you will turn 20, and then the year after that you will be 21 and legal to do all the rest of the things you can't quite do yet. How in just a few years, you will be leaving for good, to go off and and find your own place in the world. Happy Birthday Corey. Keep blazing that trail.